Finding Peace Through Anger
On embracing life's anger-inducing moments and finding peace through them.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor E. Frankl
It had been a beautiful Sunday. The day started with sleeping in a little bit, which is always luxurious. Then coffee and a walk followed by catching up in my workshop. I had a few tasks that needed to be taken care of, tasks I’ve done thousands of times and are muscle memory at this point. When I am doing work such as this, I usually listen to a podcast. When I opened the podcast app on my phone, the first one that downloaded was a political podcast. I listen to these sometimes during election years but mostly abstain. I considered that it might be informative, so I pressed play. It changed the course of my day.
I went on to listen to this podcast which was based on an article regarding a group of men called The TheoBros, short for ‘theology brothers’. Basically this is a community of men who find commonality in two things - their belief that America was meant to be a white Christian nation and that women are little more than fertile ground to bear their offspring. They also want to repeal the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote.
What had been up to that point a beautiful day had become my angry, rage-filled evening. My shoulders were tense, not from the task at my workbench, but from the words coming through my AirPods. The podcast finished and it was time to go in the house and have dinner. My husband joined me in the house a few minutes later, and being the first of the male species to be in my company since listening to this drivel, received the brunt of it. I didn’t yell at him, didn’t rage against the patriarchy at him, just gave him my passive-aggressive anger. Ten minutes into us eating, he finally said, “What is happening? Did I do something wrong?” No, you’re just a man and men seem to be intent on keeping women down to maintain control of this resource-grabbing, war-laden world. He then laughed and said, “Oh good, I’m glad it’s not just me.” I smiled and nodded while I cried into my sauvignon blanc.
At that moment, I realized that while I was worrying about this group of men wanting to take away my right to vote, I
momentarily made all men “other” - anytime we lump a large group of people as “bad”, we know we are on the wrong track,
Realized my anger started as fear, as most anger does, and
gave these people coming through my phone control over my day, my mind, and my heart. Not only did my evening now belong to them, but my emotions did as well. I had taken what was a beautiful day, turned on the podcast, put my emotions in a box, wrapped it up, and handed it to them. These men didn’t have to work to take control over me - I willingly gave them control.
It is difficult to not be reactive in this world - so much sensationalism, so much extreme- everything. People reading this may say I was right to get worked up, I was correct in my anger. That may be so. I agree that anger is a necessary emotion. It gives us clues to what we feel strongly about, about what feels off in our bodies, what calls to our sense of justice. Anger is also best expressed in healthy ways - clear expression, conversation, body movement, tears, punching pillows…screaming in the woods behind my house works as well. It’s not so good when we take it out on the next person we see who has no idea what in the world is going on with you right now.
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, a global spiritual leader, poet, and peace activist, says on anger:
“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist…So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames.” In other words, we are the ones who suffer.
So how we do handle anger? How do we not let others or our surroundings take the river that flows within us from a steady stream to whitewater rapids? Say we have a run-in with an ex. Our children continue to fight with each other. We are cut off in traffic. Our basic rights are threatened. How do we steady ourselves? Practice. There are many ways to find a peaceful place before reacting and as I am reminded by Sunday evening, it takes practice. As children, we quickly react. We run and tell Mom. We hit back. As we grow, we gain the skills to steady ourselves and react with measure and wisdom. We have seen this demonstrated in life and fiction many times. Some examples:
- The participants of the Civil Rights Era. They trained themselves not to react. They were yelled at, spit on, and called names repeatedly. They knew this would happen, so they trained themselves. They became steadfast in their crusade. Their higher mission was worth more than one moment of reaction.
- Gandhi - Didn’t argue, took action within himself instead. Didn’t eat, ended religious riots and communal violence in India.
- Dixie Carter as Julia Sugarbaker in Designing Women. She didn’t react. She channeled her anger. She turned it into her power. And then she bided her time and laid her power out all over you in a way you would never forget.
So what to do? Breathe. Set down the phone before texting back. Put my hand on my heart. Take a beat to calm myself, to love the part of me that is afraid or angry or both to then look up and move forward in wisdom and power.
We are going to feel anger in our lives. It is healthy and necessary. We do not bury it down and let it fester so that it takes home in us and makes us hopeless or cynical. We feel all of it and we transmute it - into power to make change that improves our lives and the lives of others, into wisdom to pass on, into love for ourselves and for each other. That is how we use anger for our benefit. That is how we make peace within and with that which we would call our enemy. That is how we live in peace regardless of the circumstances around us. That is how our life becomes our final say.
I love the Designing Women reference -- great example of the power of media representation (and a reference to one of the most badass sitcom characters of the time!). This is also a good reminder that it's OK to feel the feeling and then find a way to process instead of trying to suppress it. xxoo